Am I allowed to mourn you now?

A lyric from a song I’ve been obsessed with lately. I thought I’ve been pondering longer than I care to admit. ” I truly don’t know where to start. This year has been hard. It’s been hell, it’s been miserable and I’m glad it’s almost over. I’ve had my fair share of bad years in my life. Some stick out more than others. 2024 was one of those. It started off shaky and just kind of spiraled from there. But when that ride starts you can’t do much but hold on for dear life and wait for it to be over.

I started the year cautiously optimistic. As one usually does. It did not get better. My professional life was in shambles for a bit. Job hunting in this market is not for the weak. A lot of uncertainty. Cancelled trips, a terrible bout with covid, and many many tears. Some people showed up for me in ways I never could have expected. Some didn’t show up at all, and it’s made me have to revaluate the relationships in my life and how I show up for people. I spent alot of it just not feeling like myself.

It wasn’t all bad. I started weightlifting and stuck with it. Let me tell you it is a humbling experience to struggle lifting 20 lbs. The structure and routine of going to the gym helped . There were days thats all I had. Nothing was going right, but I could go to the gym, I could try my best, and I could push myself and feel the changes in my body.

I also started substitute teaching. Another eye-opening humbling experience. It’s taught me about myself, the education system, and what it looks like to show up for kids. Sometimes I still feel in over my head and incompetent. There are others when I walk into a school and kids know me by name and are happy to see me. That’s the best thing. Being a welcome presence . Our educators deserve so much more than they’re given.

I’ve been thinking about unmet expectations. Desires, wants, needs, and grief. How painful and relentless grief can be. I’ve talked about grief before. Mourning loss doesn’t automatically mean mourning death. It can mean a number of things. Mourning relationships, friendships, jobs, places. I spent time this past few weeks mourning what this year could have been, what I wanted it to be, and what it actually was. I’m ready to bury it. I feel good about burying it. Time is a thief.

The thing I’m most proud of this year is showing up for myself. I showed up for myself over and over again. I showed up for myself on days where the last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym. I showed up for myself when I got up at the crack of dawn to chase kids around all day at school. I showed up for myself when I pulled back, and didn’t force myself to do things my heart wasn’t in. Or force myself to be present and visible when that’s the last thing I wanted to do.

I’ve realized it’s okay for me to be comfortable with who I am. I like a plan, I crave structure. I like things a certain way. I expect alot and I pour into people. I will never take more than I’m willing to give. I think it’s better to embrace that and run with it than to run for it.

So adios 2024, here’s to 2025.