Today’s my 33rd birthday. I’ve been simultaneously looking forward to and dreading this day for the last several weeks. This year has been…. intense is the only way I know how to describe it. I’ve had the highest of highs and low lows. My relationships have changed. I know who my village is, and I’ve done my best to keep them close. I’ve been pushed professionally, emotionally, and spiritually.

33

Birthday’s were always my favorite growing up. I was an only child for years, and my mom made a big production of them. I had big parties, with cake and favors. Lots of presents, all my friends, I felt special, and I think everyone should feel special on their birthday. I traded in my Chuck E Cheese parties for sit down dinners and bar drinks. I still have cake though.

Growing Old Is Getting Old

The older I get the more I realize how much aging is a mind fuck. I am no longer the baby in an setting. I can distinctly remember events of 10, hell even 20 years ago. The gag is, I don’t feel much older. I always thought I would wake up one day and feel like an adult. The truth is, most days I feel like a little kid, cosplaying as a grown up. That at some point people will realize I’m a fake, and see through me and the life I’ve built for myself. I straightened my hair out a couple days ago, and when I look in the mirror I look more like my teenage self than a 30-something grown woman.

The thing about aging is that it’s a gift. I used to tease my granny about being old. She told me point blank that she didn’t have any qualms about getting old. That if you don’t age you die. Boy would I give anything to hear her voice again. I’ve reached a point in my life where death is inevitable. I’ve watched close friends bury parents, and kids I grew up with pass on. Tomorrow is not promised, and nothing makes you more aware of the fragility of life than the loss of it.

The Thing About Life…It Goes On

When I was younger, the years seemed to drag by. Now I blink and the years just seem to fly. Funny how that works. I wish time would slow down. But that’s the thing. It doesn’t stop, and it doesn’t slow down, and you can either hop on the train or get left. It’s not waiting on you, and it will pass you by if you let it. Fall is my favorite time of year. My birthday is falling on the autumnal equinox this year, and to me that’s pretty significant. It’s a time for renewal, change, rebirth. The weather turns, it gets colder, and a new season is upon us.

I’m grateful for this season. I welcome this change. I look forward to the renewal and everything that comes with a new year of life. It’s scary as change is always scary. But I am brave and I am hopeful. Sometimes I wish I was less sensitive, less emotional, less invested. I envy people who let things constantly roll off their back. I’ve wished I was colder and cared less. But I do care, and for better or worse I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Often when I look at my photos of my younger self I see a little girl with a big smile and eyes full of promise and hope. I wonder what she would think of grown up me. I hope she would think I’m brave and cool. But most of all I hope she would see someone she could be proud of, someone that she would want to know. Someone that is kind and warm, and hasn’t let the world harden her despite all the bullshit that life throws her way. So for 33, my goal is to be kind, brave, and warm, for both little girl me and me today. A woman that’s doing her best, and keeping her eyes full of promise and wonder.