Grief has been on my mind lately. Specifically, living with grief and loss. I’ve reached a point in my life where many people around me are experiencing loss for the first time. It’s both startling and foreign to me. My dad and granddad died within 6 weeks of each other when I was 11. My only blood uncle died a few years later. I’ve lost cousins, close family friends, mentors and most recently my grandma. Each time it feels like the wind has been knocked out of my sails. I experienced loss young, and it has profoundly shaped who I am today.

Grief Journeys are Not Linear

I wish someone had of told me this when I was younger. The saying time heals all doesn’t really apply to grief. Some days you’re fine and everything feels right in the world. Other days the smallest memory of them will have you bawling your eyes out. My beloved granny has been gone about 18 months, and I still think about her almost every day. I play the videos I have of her saved on my phone so I can hear her voice again. I make dishes she cooked for me growing up. I can’t bring myself to delete her number from my phone, even though I know if I call it she’ll never be on the other ed.

My Grief Journey

For some people this may seem like punishment, for me it’s cathartic. I can’t bring any of the people I’ve lost back and I’m also not going to pretend they never existed. I keep her memory alive and honor her when I share the incredible life she lived and how she influenced me. I shared one of my favorite memories of my dad with coworkers today. There was a time when I was kid where he was prepared to fight the athletic director at my school for making me cry. Is this the most flattering story? No, but it is authentic to my daddy and the type of man he was. He was willing to risk jail to protect his daughter and for that I am forever grateful.

Living with Grief and Loss

Losing people changes you. Depending on how old you are and your relationship with them it can fundamentally shape who you are. I think about who I would be if I had grown up with 2 parents. What my future would have looked like, how my personality might have changed, would I had made some of the choices I have. The truth is, I will never know the answer, I only know my lived experience. The what if’s will haunt you if you let them. What I do know is that I am person living with grief and loss. I want to take away the taboo, and help others get more comfortable talking about grief.